Monday, June 14, 2010

Go On, Brush Your Shoulder Off.

Lawson watches a show called Chugginton.  It's a bunch of trains who earn badges by performing various tasks.  Today I earned a very special badge.  For lack of a creative name, it's called the "bird poop on my shoulder" badge.  If it really existed, it would look something like this:


Our final destination after several stops this morning was Target.  I had promised Lawson some popcorn for being such a good boy all day.  We made it all the way through the store with only a very light popcorn trail, and few outbursts.  Things were going relatively well.  Then it came time to check out and I was feeling really glad we were moments away from exiting.  Naomi was suddenly done.  A very loud version of done.  We walked out the door and the day went to the birds.  The toilet paper I'd just purchased shifted on top of the popcorn bag and Lawson began freaking out.  Was it a sign?  I don't know, but I should have paid attention!  I'd loved to have picked the toilet paper up for him right then, but I was trying to push the cart across the cross-walk without getting run over by Speedy McRims with the loud bass and mean stare.  Naomi was still screaming.  The wind was whipping my ponytail into my eyes and it was all getting a little shocking.  What was the deal?  Geeze!!!  Finally, we got to the car.  Items were unloaded to the tune of screaming children while everyone around us stared.  Kind of weird.  I got Lawson into his seat, set the popcorn on the floor in front of him and promised him he'd get it right back as soon as he was buckled in.  Well, that didn't happen.  A huge gust of wind somehow came swooping into my car like a boomerang and started a chain of events that I could have never anticipated.  The popcorn went thudding to the ground next to the car.  Then came the mournful cry of a boy in desperate need of a nap who really wanted that popcorn.  I went running across the next parking space to grab the bag before it blew too far away and turned to go back to the car, I looked up.  Every.  Seagull.  In.  The. City. Was. Coming.  For.  The.  Popcorn.  Every freaking seagull!!!!  OH, MY GOSH!

I freaked a little.  I hate large groups of birds.  They freak me out.  And these were loud, aggressive birds on a mission that lead them straight for me and my car.  So, Lawson is screaming about  his"catcorn" (not sure why he calls popcorn that), Naomi is in the cart screaming with a whole new level of urgency thanks to the birdstorm and I am hot, sweaty, windblown and scared to death of the crazy birds.  I should have charged the onlookers.  There were lots.  I grabbed Naomi, and was in the middle of buckling her arching body into her seat when I felt a strange, hot, slapping feeling on my shoulder.  I whipped my head around to see a steaming pile of brown SEAGULL DOO on my shoulder!!!  Impossible.  Gross.  Shocking.  My ponytail was still whipping furiously around my head and I had to literally tilt my head away from the nasty poo-pile to keep it from applying the poo to my face like a paintbrush.  That is the moment my beloved shopping cart cover became a avian excretion removing device.  There was nothing else to do!  I had to get it off, or I seriously would have started to cry.  The whole parking lot was staring, my kids were falling apart and we were still being swarmed by in sane amounts of gulls!  I was not about to become a target for any other bird butt!  I swiped the shoulder, threw it in the car, raced to put the cart away just across the row and jumped in my car!  That was the moment that I might have started crying along with the kids had I not looked over to the lady in the car next to me (whose back up lights were on when I was getting Lawson in his seat and obviously stuck around for the show) to see her laughing hysterically as she backed out of her spot and drove her car away.  I decided right then and there, that a little pile of poop on my shoulder was not going to reduce me into a puddle of tears.  I've overcome shittier circumstances than this!  Well, maybe not actually "shitter" but it could be worse!

 As they say, "shit happens."  It happened to me today, and looking back, it was kind of funny.  I'm reminded of a song by Jay-Z.  He said, "you got to get the dirt (or poop) off your shoulder!" and he was right.  When the world tries to bring you down and poops on your parade shoulder, you've just got to brush it off and laugh.  I totally would have sat in my air conditioned car to watch the crazy lady with the screaming children race around trying to avoid avian excretions only to be excreted upon anyway!  Then I would have called someone and laughed about it.  Which I did, even being the one with the poopy shoulder.  I called my sister and had a good laugh.  I will say this, though, the popcorn from Target is NEVER coming out of the store with us again.  Ever.  Once is funny, twice...would not be.



  1. 2 things. #1 I'm impressed that you put the cart back. I would've left it in the space next to my car as I would've just had it at that point, you are a better woman than me. #2 I got pooped on at Disney Land, the happiest place on earth, I couldn't believe it. Oh, I guess there's more #3, I wish I would've been there & #4 Thank you for showing me what it looks like to have a good attitude in the face of a shitty situation. I'll try that on for the rest of the week... or maybe just the rest of today :)

  2. Bwha ha ha ha! There is nothing funnier than people getting pooped on. There just isn't. I had my shining poop moment at the San Diego Zoo.

  3. Sounds like a fantastic poop day! You seemed to handle it really well.

  4. I too was surprised that you put the cart away with the birds freaking you out. I was expecting that the wind may have blown it into the side of your car or that you may have backed up into it. Your telling of the tale had me howling out loud with tears down my face. I would have probably been the lady in the car next to you taking it all in. Maybe she was waiting to see if you needed her to help at some point.

  5. Hilarious!! I can say that because I am like a bird poop magnet...seriously!! I have been pooped on at least four times that I can count!! Great post.