On The Chopping Block

There's a lot of conversation around our house about penises.  This was something I wasn't totally expecting as a mother to a boy.  I knew we'd cover the topic, but no where near to this extent.  Having had a boy and then a girl, who obviously does not have a penis, the topic grew much more prevalent upon her arrival.  We discuss who has and doesn't have one, why that is, the size differences, function, etc... on a daily basis.  I bet if you asked me at 8am every morning if I'd had a discussion about penises yet, my answer would almost always be "yes."  The word no longer phases me.  Unless it is lumped together in a sentence with "squished."

Tonight, Lawson went to use the bathroom and wash his hands before dinner.  Suddenly, I hear a "BANG" then a horrible scream with some inaudible words.  I did catch two words, though.  SQUISHED.  PENIS.  My stomach turned.  This was unfamiliar penis territory.  I walked in the bathroom and had to breath deeply to keep from passing out or throwing up.  His penis had been put on a chopping block for the heavy, ceramic toilet seat.  A blood blister had already formed and before it was more closely examined, I thought he actually had blood coming from inside his penis (and my stomach flipped again).  What in the heck does one do with a bleeding, traumatized penis??? Luckily (I use that word loosely... how lucky could we really be with a flattened penis), it was just really badly squished and bruised.  And swelling.  Ouch.  And luckily, Dustin walked in just seconds after I found myself googling "squished penis toilet seat" (again, totally uncharted territory) and took over from there.  Soon, Lawson was sitting at the dinner table with a bag of frozen peas and carrots stuffed in his underwear.  It seems he'll live through this one, but not without a surely painful reminder each time he pees that he should probably be a little bit more careful when setting down the toilet seat.  Poor little guy!  Apparently having a penis is a bit of a hazard, in and of itself.  What an end to a beautiful, sunny day.