Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Tired Ramblings

I am so tired.  So tired I could cry.  Naomi has been sick for a few days and screaming every time she stirs in her sleep.  Dustin has a black belt in stealing covers and I have dark circles under my eyes that would leave a football player envious.  Thanks to the lack of shut-eye, I'm feeling the beginning stages of whatever it is Naomi has.  Both kids are sleeping right now and I have a little quiet.  The funny thing, the quieter is it, the more my mind spins.

Is it possible that I'm thinking this much all the time and I just don't notice it due to the constant activity with the kids?  If so, no WONDER I'm so tired.  Seriously, I found myself saying, "Geeze, woman!  Shut.  up." several times as I folded laundry.  I finally have a little peace and here I am pestering MYSELF!  I keep finding myself analyzing my life.  Am I happy with our family the way it is?  Would we be happier with a third child?  Or would it be messing with a good thing?  Am I getting enough time to myself?  Am I doing everything I should be?  Questions that seem simple enough, but thanks to my busy and wandering mind, I never seem to answer before I move on to another question.  I think I've been spending enough time with small people lacking in focus that it's rubbed off on me.

Every day I feel like I'm running a race.  I don't want to waste a step, so I'm always thinking ahead before I walk across the house to see if there is something I should be taking with me to put away or clean up.  If I don't stay on top of things around here, it would only take a day or so to make it look like I'd been slacking for a week.  But, this is where the question of doing everything I should be comes in.  If I spend a good part of my day keeping our house clean and functional, am I neglecting the kids?  Would it be better to leave the house just a little messier and spend more time with them?  They are happy to be playing with each other, but should I be right in there with them?  I feel guilty when I deep clean the house because I can't spend as much time with them, but I feel really grumpy and stressed if I leave the house messy.  I'm not sure which is better overall.  And what about time to myself?  I've been trying to give myself a few minutes here and there to play the piano or take pictures or even lay down on the couch with my feet up, but finding that time isn't easy.  Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the struggle to keep the kids occupied and away from me for a few minutes just to relax.  How relaxing is it really when I spend half the time fending off the little invaders of  my alone time?

Then there is the prospect of starting in with the baking of number three.  It's been a point of discussion and on my mind for months now.  I had a few bouts with baby fever, but surprisingly, overall lately, I've been dreading the idea of getting pregnant again.  Will there be any time left for me?  Will Dustin and I have any time as a couple?  How will the kids handle it?  The problem with all these questions is they are best answered in hindsight.  Until then, it's all speculation.  The only question I've been able to answer clearly is whether I'd ever regret having had another baby.  That answer is simple.  Never.  But, we have two wonderful children already and were lucky enough to have a boy and a girl.  There is a part of me that understands being happy and satisfied with that.  Such a far cry from the girl who wanted six kids not so many years ago.  If I don't think about the work involved, it seems so fun to have three children close enough in age that they can all play together and experience many of the same things at the same times.  When I consider the toll it will take on myself, I wonder if we shouldn't just hold off a year or so.  And then I flip immediately back to thinking how nice it would be to have them all peeing in the potty and mobile sooner than later so we can get out and do more as a family.  I wish there was an easy answer.  But, I suppose for big decisions like this, the answer is never simple and it's probably really obvious when you stop thinking about it.  So, maybe I'll give that I shot.  No more thinking!

Ah!  Such is life.  As soon as I decide to stop thinking, I hear the cries of little ones waking up.  Maybe I'll get a chance to "not think" tonight when they are asleep!  If I don't fall asleep before that....


1 comment:

  1. Hey Kimberly..i think the thing with the clean or messy house is the same when you have no kids. Sometimes i think how this life should be WITH kids???I am working full time and have a boyfriend for one year now....and i feel like i am cleaning or putting stuff away the WHOLE day. And if i don't do it for maybe one or two days the appartment looks like i didn't clean up for months.
    So don't think about this cleaning stuff too much....try to do a bit every day and maybe when your hubby is there and is able to take the kids you can do the full-house-cleaning.