The Last Few Days

The last few days before deployment are always a mixed bag for me. As much as I wish we still had weeks left together, I hate the anticipation of the goodbye and almost look forward to the day after he has already left. That may seem odd, but I just really hate goodbye and all the emotions that come with trying to savor and enjoy all the little moments leading up to it. Simple acts that are a part of day-to-day life take on new meaning as the realization sets in that for months, those simple acts will not be possible. I'm just trying to enjoy our family of three because I know the next time we are all together will be to welcome Naomi into our life. Huge changes are around the corner and all of them are exciting and overwhelming.

I'm generally good at the separation. I know he'll be home soon and we do get to talk every now and then on the phone. Also, e-mail is always there so I can tell him all about Lawson's latest achievements, so I don't feel a major disconnect despite the distance. Lawson, however, is increasingly more aware of Dustin's absence, even during a normal workday. It is an obvious highlight for him each evening when Dustin re-emerges through the door with his hugs and his patches and dogtags and zippers (those flight suits are practically a wearable baby toy). Last night, my heart sank a little when Lawson woke up crying for his "dadda". He's never done that before and it nearly made me cry. No matter how much he cries for dadda over the next few months, dadda won't be there and he is too small to understand. Between that and being massively pregnant, I am forseeing this separation being a bit more emotional for me than the average deployment. I, honestly, never cry when he's gone, but this time, there is already a lump in my throat for Lawson's sake. I also have a bit of a fear that he won't make it home in time for Naomi's birth and he'll have missed both of his childrens' arrival. Only time will tell how that will play out!

So, here we are at the final stretch of his time home. Bittersweet, as always, and over too soon. Luckily, his time away will also go by quickly and before I know it, I'll be watching him hold his daughter for the first time.